Flower girl

Our good friends Jesse and Ben got married over labor day weekend, and they asked Riley to be a flower girl. I thought it would go smoothly because she’s done it once before for Becky and Tom’s wedding, and because she really likes Ben and Jesse. Unfortunately, things didn’t go quite as planned.

I think Riley is going through a difficult transition right now. She hasn’t been sleeping through the night for the past month or so, and wakes up crying and insisting that we let her sleep in our bed. This is pretty new for her, and we weren’t quite sure what to do about it. At first we tried a variation of the “cry it out” method, which worked really well when she was younger (and resulted in her being a great sleeper until now – with the exception of when she is sick). It was awful, and as soon as we went back to bed she would be up screaming and running into our room again. After a few long exhausting nights with no sign of progress, we decided to try a different tactic. On the 2 previous nights she ended up sneaking either into our room or just outside very quietly and sleeping in a ball on the floor with her teddy bear. Can you imagine anything more heartbreaking? In the morning when I asked her about it she said, “It’s ok! I can use Stella (her bear) as a pillow and if I get cold I just use Stella’s dress!” She would insist that the floor, or even the steps, were more comfortable than her room.

It really seemed to me that she was feeling insecure because of Damon, and wanted to be close to us. So our compromise was to take turns sleeping on the couch outside her room, on the condition that she stay in her room until 7am. We made a wake-up music mix for her that automatically turns on at 7 (like her sleep-mix which automatically turns on at 8:15pm so she knows it’s time to start getting ready for bed). We also came up with rewards – a popcicle if she only gets up once, and icecream if she sleeps through the night. It seems to be partially working – i.e. she only gets up once most nights. Now the reward is a popcicle at breakfest if she makes it through the night… and every night she says she will… and every night she gets up. We’re in the process of making rainbow popcicles with Riley (red=cranberry, orange, yellow=pineapple, green=superfood, blue=blueberry/pomegranate). It takes a long time because each level has to freeze before adding the next level. I’m hoping they will be a good incentive for her.

Being a parent is so hard. We’re constantly discussing new strategies for Riley (meanwhile Damon continues to be an easy to please good sleeper). We seem to have fallen into a “treat” based philosophy recently, which just means Riley expects a treat for doing anything at all. She’s a great negotiator and deal-maker. We’re trying to back-off from the treats (it’s not a treat if you get it everyday) and go back to the days when fruit was considered a decent dessert.

Riley is a great kid. She’s funny and incredibly sweet. She’s also smart – we watch a 5-minute Sesame Street podcast every night before bed called “The word on the street” and she picks up the words and starts using them right away. My Dad and I were doing a puzzle the other day and having a hard time finishing the sky part and Riley said, “This is really… what’s the word? (think think think with one finger in mouth and and other hand twirling hair)… frustrating!” She also throws in predicament, expert, practice, gigantic, mystery, disguise… all words from the podcast. When we want her to do something and she’s busy reading a book she’ll say, “Mommy don’t distract me!” (also from the podcast).

She’s also shy and stubborn, which make for a very frustrating combination.

Which brings me back to being a flower girl. Last time, she panicked last minute and I bribed her with candy and walked along side her (but mostly out of view of the audience) and Sage met her at the end and she did great. This time the set up made that not really possible, plus there was the added combination of everything written above and her being in a clingy Mommy Mommy stage. She was all set to go, knowing she would get candy at the end, but in the last second she would not let go of my hand. I tried to reason with her, but with everyone watching, I knew it would be impossible (probably would have been impossible even without an audience). So I went with her. Everyone laughed, and it seems like it was okay, but I was really disappointed for some reason. After the ceremony she refused to be in a picture with Jesse and Ben unless Sage and I were in it too and no amount of bribery would change her mind. All night everyone kept coming up to Riley and telling her she did a great job, which was kind of annoying. (Actually they would say “You did good!” which drives Sage nuts because he wants her to learn to speak properly and say “You did well”).

I’m not sure why I got so upset. One of my friends pointed out that she is the daughter of me and Sage, how could she not be shy? But still. It’s frustrating.

I want her to be independent and strong. I want her to not be afraid of climbing high or putting her head under water or venturing away from Mom and Dad. I want her to be generous and not have all motives driven by treats. I want her to eat well and be adventurous with new foods. I want her to sleep well.

She’s 3-years old and already I have high expectations.

Later, after the ceremony and just before dinner, Riley and I found a patch of grass to play on by ourselves. The sun was setting and we had a blast running in circles, pretending we were flying with arms stretched wide, falling down and rolling around together on the grass, making up games, giggling. At one point Riley came over and said, “Mommy lets sit down on the grass and hug.” So I sat down, and she crawled into my lap, and we hugged for a long time.

After dinner it was finally time for dancing, Riley’s favorite part. We danced and twirled and jumped together until she was worn out and fell asleep on Sage’s shoulder. We put her down on a couch by the dance floor and covered her with Sage’s coat and she slept peacefully the rest of the evening.

I guess the point of all this is to say I love my girl more than I ever could have imagined. No relationship is ever easy, it would be foolish to expect this one to be. Parenting is a never-ending learning experience, and it seems to get more complicated the older she gets. I’m learning though. Learning to push her just outside her comfort level – like when she said she was too afraid to climb to the top of the climbing structure at the children’s museum. She was almost in tears, but kept going, and she was so proud when she got there. Of course when she climbed back down she told the other kids waiting, “it’s not scary at all!” and wanted to do it again and again. But I’ll love her just the same even if she’s not ready to keep climbing. I love that she loves to dance and sing and play, and that, if given a chance to warm up and feel comfortable, she loves our friends like family. We’ll keep going to swimming lessons, and someday she’ll get her face wet. Who knows when, but I’ll be patient.